I was at my parent’s house for vacation one week. My dad asked me to find my mom. I said, “Okay. What does she look like?”

My brother said, “I don’t like the number 9.” I agreed, “Divisible by 3? Get outta here!”

****

My brother said, “16 is definitely divisible by 4.” I said, “Nope.”

****

I asked a financial expert about currency trading.

“If I had to choose one currency to invest in right now, what should it be,” I asked.

He responded, “Well its never a good idea to invest in just one, but, for the sake of argument, I’d say monopoly money.”

My poll ratings were coming down, so I decided to change my ethnicity.

I go to work naked everyday.

****

At 12:30, I always take a nap for a half hour. I promptly resume working at 12:45

****

I was offered a cash prize of ten dollars from one institution, and a cash prize of eight dollars from another. The catch is, I can only accept one of the prizes. So, naturally, I accepted the eight dollar prize, and left the ten dollar prize on the table.

****

I asked the cashier, “Do you sell gum?”

He responded, “Dat…”

I said, “What?”

He responded, “Agah…”

I responded, “I see. Thank you very much.”

I left my light bulbs out of the refrigerator, and they all spoiled.

There is nothing more delicious than a Kleenex sandwich.

****

I always wear my pants backwards.

****

I always wear my socks backwards.

****

I always read books from the last page to the first page.

****

Fish that are not in a hurry swim with the current.

****

On hotter days, I wear heavier clothes.

****

My legs are too weary to sit down, so I’ll continue standing

As I exited the room, I turned the knob and pulled it right out of the door.

Mortimer sat on his puffy leather chair, enjoying the comfort of his penthouse suite. His suite was perched on the top floor of a 50 story residential high-rise. With classical music softly chiming, he sipped a glass of wine while reading the paper. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew the wall off the side of the building.

****

I wanted to ask my mom if we have a digital camera. She was asleep, so I googled it.

****

I flipped on the game in time to see the coin toss. When the result was heads, I exclaimed, “That’s boloney!”

****

Every time I walk into work, my boss exclaims, “Bingo!” He doesn’t do it when any of the other employees come in.

****

On my way to work with briefcase and keys in hand, I stepped out of my house. I locked my door and turned around to see the earth splitting in two. My car, and the concrete it sat on, plunged downward never to be seen again.

****

By the time my lunch break came, I was starving. I opened my lunch box to find that my mom had packed it only with stones and pebbles, and no food.

****

I made the mistake of letting out a cough while facing a royal palm tree. Sure enough, the tree toppled to the ground.

****

On my flight from Miami to London, I demanded that I reach my destination in no more than 10 minutes.

****

I asked for a price check on a bag of crackers. They turned out to be priced at five hundred dollars.

****

My company is a non-profit organization. When everybody’s salary is paid, there is no profit leftover.

****

I soldered two pieces of wood in an L shape.

****

Every year, I plant my empty water bottles in the ground. After about 90 days, I harvest a case of full water bottles.

****

The element of surprise is key in battle. Therefore, Christmas is the best time to go to war.

****

Four plus four equals nine.

****

My company proudly designs and manufactures pens that don’t write.

****

I buy printer paper that is enhanced with minerals for a pure, fresh taste.

****

I wouldn’t be the first person to say that the class of 1980 was lacking.

Mortimer had a heart attack during dinner with his family so they called the ambulance. The paramedics showed up with a toolbox, and no medical equipment.

A restauranteur and a waste processing manager met for lunch one day.

“Boy, trash is piling up big time these days,” said the waste processing manager. “The issue of where and how to dispose of trash is becoming problematic.”

“Eureka!” exclaimed the restauranteur. “I can serve it in my restaurant!”

****

I wanted my speaker volume turned up so I turned the knob clockwise, but the volume went down.

****

For today, I am cutting all grains from my diet. For breakfast, I’ll have an omelet and buttered toast.

I dropped my garden trowel on the ground earlier today, leaving a six foot wide crater.

Last night, I attended a cocktail party on the roof of a two-story town house. At some point, I clumsily dropped my wine glass over the railing. Fortunately, it landed on the pavement and remained intact.

****

“I left my husband recently,” says a woman to her new friend. “I used to live in California with him and our daughter. He got on my very last nerve, so I left. I got in his car, and drove all the way to London, and here I am.”

****

“We need some celery,” says a woman to her husband.

“I’ll get it. I’m going out anyway,” he answers. He exits the house where he is blown far away by a gust of wind.